Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.