Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”