Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child