I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I need to update my racial profile.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s