@McNevich: Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
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@thatUPSdude: Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun? Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
@Sanbel11: *goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun* "Hi everybody I ever met since 1999"
@Nawyourecrazy: Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them. *selfies*
@kidphonic: Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.