Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?