@leechee420: Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@PFitzpa: I've got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that's supposed to change my life.
@Love_bug1016: What, I'm Asian? *slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks* *buys a bonsai tree*
@KevinFarzad: According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that's why it's so tragically hard to meet