@leechee420: Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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@DirtMcTurd: Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white
@juliussharpe: I hate when my congressman emails me to "take action" on an issue. Dude, you're the one in congress, you do something.
@david8hughes: Mechanic: that's gonna cost $2000 Me: how much? Mechanic: $3000 Me: what did you say before that Mechanic: I said "that's gonna cost"