Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit