Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday