Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..