Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.