@ch000ch: accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy
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@dulcetry: [Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
@panmidwest: [First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um… ME:[writing] bad at geo-
@GrandadJFreeman: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@_eric_alexander: I predict that in the year 2050 the only people who will have tramp stamps will be grandmas. Thus they will be referred to as granny stamps.