[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*puts cutlery down*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I hate when that happens.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it