an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
this will hang in the louvre one day
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
A new level of troll.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy