Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid