I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Growing out my freckles.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.