Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”