@kentgrossarth: Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
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@Rollmaninoz: *walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*
@NicestHippo: [girl points at my scar] What happened? Oh that? Old sports injury. [flashback to me sprinting after an ice cream truck]