Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*