Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Somebody’s lying.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder