@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
@matt___nelson: [angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"
@DaddyJew: [buying college textbooks] That'll be 100 million dollars [returning college textbooks] We can give you half off on this pencil case
@dreamthievin: I need a guy who's cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie