@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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@abbycohenwl: Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@ArfMeasures: ME: The mugger...he called himself "Antman" SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper* ME [shaking] omg that's him!
@mostunladylike: Yog see woman Yog ask woman out Yog go on date Yog fall in love Yog act like an idiot Yog get dumped Yoghurt.
@jonnysun: gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make: - a snake - worm - eel - dog, hot - 2 snakes