@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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@TheTweetOfGod: When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up "Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?" GF: Haha *tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold WHERE IS SHE
@Wine_Honey1: *gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
@liv_thatsme: (My wedding day) Grandma: You remind me so much of your father Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot G: Your father was a disappointment also