Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate