@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
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@ermahgarton: me: what's ur favorite thing on the menu waiter: oh definitely the salmon me: oh yes ok i'll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
@HelloCullen: I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
@Twtercide: Him: Wtf is wrong with you? *remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos Me: I'm just really tired.
@Cheeseboy22: The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.