[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
the three genders
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb