“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You Might Also Like
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Ah..makes sense now
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.