@simoncholland: Accidentally feng shui'd tonight when everybody wang chunged and I've never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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@losdrogas: went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@Jim_Capie: Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime. Alfred: You're a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen- Bruce: No I wanna punch people.
@InternetHippo: me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you…know how jobs work