Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
S O O N
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.