Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
What a website
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?