@FilthyRichmond: Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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@LindaInDisguise: I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
@bdbdleeroybrown: I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
@PaperWash: Mother's Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers