@FilthyRichmond: Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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@Reverend_Scott: [jumps in Uber] ME: HURRY I'M LATE UBER: [starts driving] ME: PULL OVER HERE [jumps out, pets dog] ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
@MrsGoose69: Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."