@FilthyRichmond: Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I'll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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@JMFnSparks: The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
@AllyBallyBeal: Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me Me: Really? Looks to me you should've been eating a hell of a lot more
@dance_blessed: Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
@druuuck: GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff Me: why not? GENIE: I make the rules ME: I wish I made the rules GENIE: ...dammit