Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*