*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
No way!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY