@AndyAsAdjective: *accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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@UrplePingo: In honor of Columbus Day I'm going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find
@DallyDoll: I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don't care. She's not my real aerobics instructor.
@joeljeffrey: I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.