@AndyAsAdjective: *accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I'm too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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@platinum2000: [Confessional Booth] Me: I can't do anything right. Priest: Please get off of my lap.
@KeetPotato: [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy
@omgthatspunny: All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.