*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes