[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck