@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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@flashember: [Courtroom] Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you? "No sir, it was...THE GROUND!" *courtroom erupts* *handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
@bingowings14: Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
@fightforfood: You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I'll believe it. I'm not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
@WVUPRT: Girl at engineering school: I'm like the single-most clumsy person [5 male engineering students emerge from bushes] "Did you say single?"