@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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@Capt_Spanky: Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys. ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.
@TheAlexNevil: 7 barges into bathroom while I'm showering, laughs & says "I saw your peanut." He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
@LostFelicia: Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.