Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that