@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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@TheMichaelRock: boss: are you high? me: no, i'm on dayquil boss: dayquil doesn't do that me: must be the cocaine then
@Michael1979: OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
@ch000ch: YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
@wendchymes: * kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite * - dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat