Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
You Might Also Like
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go