@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@NicestHippo: "Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?" - podium salesman
@Paxochka: People who say "life doesn't come with a set of instructions" obviously haven't heard of the Kama Sutra.
@joejwest: ME: I think we're being followed DATE: Really? M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep D: Wait you carry that around with you? M: Just keep walking
@PetrickSara: Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)