Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
#Caturday
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin