This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear