accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO