*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master