*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
accurate
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.