@Sassafrantz: Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents felt.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@pdxjohnny99: This tweet has been brought to you by... ...Stay Free Maxi-pads... ...When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
@CurlsOnGirls: I love people who order coffee like they're giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
@bencoffeehall: I joined a Cold War reenactment group. We just sit around and act nervous about the USSR.
@_xLNc: My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better - they worship cows.