*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what