At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.