@OVO_Ty15: Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again
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@FilthyRichmond: I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their c**ktails while they're trying to catch her.
@PanicRestroom: I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
@AndLive2Love: My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
@MoneypennyNaked: I really need someone to follow me around Target to say "No. No. Put that back. You don't need that. You already have 4 of those at home."