The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?