Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.