Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.