Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.