@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
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@AbrasiveGhost: [Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that? Me in super frilly tux: Nope *Dog walks in also wearing tux*
@generaldietz: priest: you may now kiss the pride me: excuse me? priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
@AlanFelyk: It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
@HatfieldAnne: Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.