@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
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@DocAroundThClok: [Patient room] ME: ...so that's why I need to drain the abscess on your leg PATIENT: What'll it feel like? ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I've been able to help someone in a dark time PATIENT: No, I meant for me ME: Oh. It's gonna hurt like hell
@blade_funner: [sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending] Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
@Tmoney68: Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
@ibid78: If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).