@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
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@DearAuntAbby: If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you're high enough.
@mrjohndarby: [on a farm] Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket* Oh, I've always wanted to do that Farmer: Go ahead! Me: *stands next to a bucket*
@SteveSuckington: I can't figure out why my son hates me. Tim hates you? No, my other son. I can't remember his name. I just call him "not Tim"
@theevilwriter: HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone "if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person" even if we smile as we say it.