@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
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@tastefactory: *spills wine on Ouija board* OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T ME: *moves pointer to NO*
@PaperWash: [in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"
@hippieswordfish: when life gives you lemons, use their natural acidity to temporarily blind your opponent
@leshnevsky: - Dad, why don't we visit Greece to see pyramids? - Son, why don't we visit school to see your geography teacher?