@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over
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@GrowlyGrego: Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you've never been married and you love spending time with him?
@JCautomatic: [Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist
@shopkins776: I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae