Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
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10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I can also cook 😂
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.