@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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@joebirbigs: I would have got the Google Glass but I don't have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
@TeaPainUSA: Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church.
@hereholddeez: SAW 14: HELLO JIMMY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
@Shock_Monster: Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.