Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.