@P1ssed_K1d: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
@LOUD_Thoughts_: I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
@funnyordie: BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate
@causticbob: I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It's true. After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.