Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”