@simoncholland: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@dave_cactus: ME: I'm hungry. I think I'll get McDonald's. HER: Aren't you on a diet? ME: OK. I'll only get one McDonald.
@rorynotroy: You can just lean against anything, look down at your phone and toggle between your 1st and 2nd page of apps and you’ll look pretty popular.
@blazed_ncis: *going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."
@murrman5: *walks in house wearing a large neck brace* oh no, what happened? "my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking"