@simoncholland: Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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@stevevsninjas: HER: You didn't make a reservation? ME: I got this. (to Maître D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory? M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
@GoldenSpirals: Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple? Mom: No, sweetie. I don't know how to cut them. Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
@robolollycop: Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.