Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You Might Also Like
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.