@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@G_Faylor: an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don't act like some big science guy
@knot_eye: [ouija board] How are you feeling? *board begins spelling* O-O-E-Y--G-O-O-E-Y What the!? A cheesy board!? G-O-U-D-A--G-U-E-S-S
@onion_an: Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business
@SteveSuckington: If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?