Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
For cardio I live beyond my means.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
😅🤣😂
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage